As I sit here and try to figure out a way to market myself in a way that is congruent with my life, I thought I would let my body do the talking. This morning I woke up with a shake from the inside, a tension in my neck that was so rigid i could feel its resistance.
Here it is one week before Christmas, and my body is already prepping for death. Not real death, nervous system story death. For many of you who know me as friends or as patients, you know that I am often spouting something about the nervous system so here is the Christmas version.
It seems that around this time of year, there are an awful lot of panic attacks, back pains that literally level people and what seems to be people describing a feeling of anxiety but with nothing really happening big that triggered them.
I got a phone call last week from a man that I have been dating, he was shaking on the other end of the phone. “I think I just had a panic attack, I have no idea why this is happening to me” He said. I quickly assessed the situation and responded, “Have you looked at the calendar lately?”
Surprised, he said “I am telling you I am scared and you are asking me to look at the calendar!” We had a little laugh. I explained to him that this is the first Christmas after he and his partner had broken up and it is likely just sneaking up on him. It made sense to him, and then I started thinking. I have been agitated, grumpy, sad, and generally BAH HUMBUGGY ever since Quinn and I built a gingerbread house last week.
You see last year, actually almost to date, my now ex boyfriend and I built a gingerbread house with Quinn. It was nice, a kind of family bonding that we created. Interestingly enough while we were putting gumdrops on the gingerbread house, Quinn was remembering how nice it was. When he uttered the words, I miss Chris I wish he was here! UGH I felt small, really small like my lungs had sucked air so deep that I would never breathe again.
Christmas officially became over coupled. What that means? I walked away from the gingerbread house, I panicked, I let it roll through, hell I even had a session. Every time I walked past the gingerbread house I would start to feel a tensing in my guts that felt unwarranted. Christmas, the time we have created for magical things to happen, predictable out comes of misery when our childhood needs did not get met. Now as adults we are trying to recreate those moments.
Last year on Christmas this man romantically told me that he loved me, it was one of the best and warm Christmas’ I had ever had. In fact here is what happened next. I was totally overwhelmed. I lost feeling in my extremities for 17 days. Had I really been that numb? I started to come back on line when the words I love you were uttered as Christmas gift. ( But really who gives that as a christmas gift I couldn’t even unwrap it) After I had determined I was not having a stroke, and I wasn’t dying, I let myself actually feel it. IT HURT BEYOND ALL REASON.
Fast forward one year, this morning I woke up in a panic, this morning I felt pain within my structure that was explainable, this morning I felt a resistance from the inside that was exhausting. The resistance was Christmas, the resistance was him!
At Christmas we all tell ourselves that we want to see our families, we want to have fun, and visit and get over stimulated, have our boundaries rolled over by aunts who wear way too much perfume. WHY do we do this? We do this to create the ideal version of something that we truly never had. What we have is us, what we have is on the inside.
After seeing a photo of the man that told me he loved me on christmas last year, with another woman, I knew that I could either a) un couple this over coupled event, or B) continue hating Christmas.
I logged into Facebook, I judged myself for even being emotional over something that seems so small. I pulled up his name, I hit BLOCK.. I stopped breathing, then came the tears, and then came a sense of freedom. The freedom to not torture myself, the freedom to not know, the freedom to let go of Christmas ideas of loving each other for future Christmas’ to come. Just like that my pain went away.
If you have thoughts about not wanting to go home for Christmas, if you are anxious for no reason, if you are judging yourself for how you think something might turn out. I encourage you to have a session with me, to help build your capacity to UN-COUPLE Christmas! ( i totally am judging myself for opening up on social media this way but Guneeta Singh told me to do it!)